then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
