I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
