My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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