Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
You're like the curious george of whores
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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