I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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