im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
