Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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