I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
