I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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