Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.