If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
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If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
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Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk