Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
