I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
