I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
