New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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