I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
