I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
