just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
