When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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