i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
