She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
