get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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