I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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