I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
