I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
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In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
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If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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