Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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