I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
