I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
