you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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