Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
