Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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