I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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