I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
