Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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