If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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