Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
