Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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