I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
