I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
