wrigley field is MILF paradise
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
