Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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