Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
