is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
