it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
