Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize