life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
