so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
