From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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