theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
