well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
