so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
