i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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