DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
