Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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