pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
