how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
