I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
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I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
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He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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