Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
