im having a threesome with these popsicles
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
