i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
